Unmasking Covert Narcissism in a Relationship

The term “covert narcissist” is often thrown around in heated arguments, usually when tensions in a relationship have reached a breaking point. By the time someone has been labeled as such, it’s not with compassion but as an accusation or insult. It’s understandable, then, that the term ‘covert narcissist’ comes with stigma and a sense of shame. If you’ve been called a covert narcissist, it’s likely that you’ve felt confused, defensive, or even attacked, wondering what it means and why it’s being used against you. But what exactly is covert narcissism, and how can therapy for covert narcissism in relationships help?

What’s the Difference between ‘Covert Narcissism’ and ‘Narcissism’?

At its core, covert narcissism shares many traits with more overt forms of narcissism—both involve issues with self-esteem, emotional sensitivity, and the need for validation. However, the key difference lies in how these traits are expressed. Overt narcissism is the type most people are familiar with, where someone’s sense of entitlement and need for admiration is visible, often in loud and obvious ways. The overt narcissist seeks attention, craves external praise, and may display a sense of superiority. Their behaviors are more outwardly focused, designed to show off and dominate social settings.

Covert narcissism, on the other hand, is much more subtle and inward-focused. In place of grandiosity, you will find intense self-doubt, insecurity, and hypersensitivity. Rather than seeking out admiration openly, the person with covert narcissism may withdraw, feel misunderstood, and harbor quiet resentment when they don’t receive the recognition they crave.

“If importance lay on a scale of 1 to 10, overt narcissism is wanting to be a 10, while covert narcissism is fearing you’re a 0. Both crave recognition but go about it in very different ways.”

The Debate Around the Existence of Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism isn’t an official diagnosis. In diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5, only narcissistic personality disorder is listed, which is more in line with overt narcissism. However, there’s strong evidence of a more introvert and anxious form of narcissism. Psychologists who study personality structure and narcissism, such as Joshua D. Miller, recognize two main types of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable. Covert narcissism resembles the vulnerable type, which is indicated by emotional struggles and sensitivity, rather than displays of confidence or arrogance.

Why are there so many different definitions of covert narcissism?

Different authors and therapists place varying emphasis on the traits associated with covert narcissism, with a lot of attention (and book sales) going to the passive-aggressive behaviors and relationship difficulties that can come with it. This focus is understandable because their partners frequently describe feeling emotionally distanced, unsupported, or manipulated in subtle ways. However, it’s crucial to recognize that covert narcissism is not just about how someone acts in relationships—it’s also about the internal emotional struggles that the person is facing. It’s also important not to confuse covert narcissism with more severe conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. In my personal opinion, a lot of books discussing covert narcissism are actually describing cases in which these more serious conditions exist. This article will focus purely on covert narcissism.

Understanding the Emotional Battle Behind Covert Narcissism

For those who struggle with covert narcissism in relationships, the challenges can feel overwhelming. At the core of covert narcissism is a fragile sense of self-esteem. Unlike more overt forms of narcissism, which thrive on seeking admiration and grandiosity, covert narcissism involves an internal battle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. This often leads to emotional withdrawal, strong reactions to criticism, and a deep desire for validation—yet an inability to express it in ways that foster connection, particularly in close relationships.

You might recognize some of the following patterns in yourself:

  • Emotional Sensitivity: Even small moments of feedback or perceived criticism can feel like personal attacks, leading to emotional retreat or defensiveness. It’s not that you want to shut down, but sometimes the emotional weight feels overwhelming.
  • Assuming Malicious Intent: You might find yourself misinterpreting others’ actions as intentionally hurtful or malicious. This can make you feel rejected or inadequate, often leading to emotional withdrawal or passive-aggressive responses.
  • A Sense of Feeling Misunderstood: You may often feel that others don’t fully appreciate your struggles or value your efforts. This can create a sense of isolation, particularly in relationships where you hope to feel close and supported.
  • Desire for Connection Paired with Withdrawal: While you may long for deeper emotional intimacy, the fear of being hurt or exposed often leads you to withdraw when things get emotionally difficult. This can leave you feeling disconnected, especially in relationships, even though you genuinely crave emotional closeness.
  • Quiet Resentment or Passive Aggression: Instead of engaging directly in conflict, you might find yourself harboring feelings of resentment or using indirect methods to express dissatisfaction. This can be frustrating for both you and your partner, as it often leaves issues unresolved and emotions bottled up.

What does covert narcissism look like?

Here I will take three traits and illustrate what covert narcissism in relationships actually looks like. It’s normal for these to happen occasionally. What makes them significant is if they are the rule rather than the exception.

  1. Fragile Self-Esteem

When Sarah makes a casual remark about needing more help around the house, Jake, who struggles with self esteem, feels his contributions are being devalued and withdraws emotionally. He feels inadequate, even though she didn’t intend to hurt him. Sarah, however, is left feeling unsupported and confused by his sudden distance, hurt that her need for help resulted in a tense atmosphere. She wonders if his sulking is a subtle way of manipulating her into not asking for help.

  1. Assuming malicious intent

During a conversation, Juan, who has covert narcissism, interprets his partner Maria’s neutral comment about their plans as a criticism of the decisions he made. He feels disrespected and reacts coldly, assuming she’s trying to insult and undermine him. Maria, meanwhile, feels bewildered and hurt by his reaction, not understanding why a simple discussion has turned into a conflict.

  1. Resistance to Accountability

After a disagreement about finances, Mark, who deals with covert narcissism, deflects responsibility by focusing on how his partner Emily’s decisions contributed to their problems. He feels victimized and misunderstood, while Emily feels dismissed and hurt, frustrated by his inability to own his part in the issue, despite knowing he doesn’t intend to be cruel.

Covert Narcissism or a Reaction to an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

In some cases, the person accused of covert narcissism or narcissism is actually the one on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship. Constant criticism or manipulation can lead to a fragile self-esteem, resulting in withdrawal and emotional dysregulation. They may struggle with empathy or avoid vulnerability because they are overwhelmed by pain or fearful of further attacks. Resistance to accountability may stem from feeling constantly blamed, which leaves little room for self-reflection. It’s important to consider whether an abusive or toxic relationship is present before accepting a label of covert narcissism. Two signs this might be the case are 1) covert narcissism has never occurred in other relationships and 2) the person is being verbally abused or belittled by their current partner.

Getting therapy for covert narcissism

In therapy, we’ll be working together to address these patterns in a practical and supportive way. Therapy is designed specifically to help you understand and work on the areas that lead to the distress you feel and improve the way you cope. Within a supportive environment aimed at helping you feel heard and understood, there are practical tools we can learn. These can supplement regular therapy and help:

  • Build Your Confidence from the Inside: Instead of relying on others to make you feel good about yourself, you’ll learn to feel more secure and confident without constantly needing external validation.
  • Manage Your Emotional Reactions: You’ll develop skills to handle tough situations, like feeling criticized or overlooked, without shutting down or becoming passive-aggressive.
  • Reframe Perceived Hostility: Therapy can help you work on the tendency to assume others are acting with harmful intent. By learning to interpret people’s actions more accurately, you are more likely to remain engaged and reduce unnecessary conflict in your relationships.
  • Learn to Tune into Others’ Feelings: You’ll practice skills that help you connect more deeply with the people in your life, so you’re not just focused on your own needs but can also be there for others.
  • Become Comfortable with Vulnerability: You’ll learn to open up in a way that leads to genuine connection, without expecting a certain response or using vulnerability as a way to get something.
  • Take Responsibility Where It Counts: Instead of feeling like a victim in conflicts, you’ll practice reflecting on your role in situations and learn how to make repairs where needed.
  • Strengthen Your Relationship Skills: Through ongoing practice, you’ll develop tools that help you communicate more effectively, engage in teamwork with your partner, and build emotional closeness.

We Understand—It’s Not Easy, But It’s Worth It

We know that this process will feel uncomfortable at times. It’s hard to face those parts of ourselves that we’d rather avoid. It is very likely you will feel nervous, defensive, or even frustrated when trying to make changes—especially when the usual reactions (like pulling away, seeking validation, or feeling misunderstood) start to surface.

That’s okay. It’s completely normal to feel these things. The tools you’ll be learning are practical, real-world strategies that will help you make real changes in how you feel and how you connect with others.

If you feel ready to address the difficulties described in this article, please reach out to me or a therapist in your area.